Friends

Most of us in the upper middle class come from small families. On my father's side, we had a total of 7 first cousins and I had only one sister. On my mother's side there were a total of 10 first cousins. I suspect that these numbers will shrink further as I see that our children's generation are happy with one or two children and sometimes not even that. The other thing is distance. Though the world has shrunk and it's so much easier to travel and communicate, Covid has shown us how this can be an illusion. Family who live in different places have found it difficult to meet in the last two years even though Whats App and Zoom have bridged the gap to some extent,

It is a platitude to say that friends are the new family. The need for emotional and social connections is a universal human condition. In the old days this need was often met by large extended joint families. Social mobility was much lower and often people spent their lives in the same town as they were born. This is becoming increasingly rare. Careers and business opportunities will dictate where you live and often you could be moving frequently between jobs and locations. This does tend to create a sort of a nomadic lifestyle where friendships are built based on where you are that time. I suppose in the broader scheme of things you need to differentiate between this almost opportunistic process and real friendship. Obviously, real friendships may also come about based on propinquity and often do. But the difference is palpable. 

In my experience, real friendship is an instinctive process. It is not about a deliberate choice. Once such a chord has been struck, it will probably remain with you through your lives. Frequency of interaction and proximity are important, of course, but real friendships are not dependent on them for succor. In many ways, such friendships would represent the best that you can get in a close family relationship without the baggage that sometimes goes with them. Very often, in the latter, there could be issues of monetary misunderstandings, festering family matters and other things that preclude a more meaningful relationship. In real friendships, these have a lesser probability of happening. One because there are unlikely to be any financial transactions that could create misunderstandings and two because by their very nature, friendships are less judgmental than family relationships.

I would hasten to add that I have the very best of close family relationships and support as indeed do most of us. This is not a this vs that discussion. Rather, it is in favour of developing and maintaining those friendships and family interactions that add meaning and savour to life. Often it takes a major effort or event to break through a casual friendship and transform it into something deeply meaningful. With luck or given the right circumstances you may achieve a few such breakthroughs. Believe me a small handful of them are worth a 100 casual acquaintances.

bravo à l'amitié, the real flavour of life.